| this is a transient place |
[Nov. 24th, 2009|07:27 am] |
I've been extremely busy. IM [Internal Medicine]. Ngayon pa lang ako ulit nakapag-internet kasi gusto ko mapanood iyong trailer ng New Moon. Hindi kasi ako nakasama sa "girls' night out" dahil kailangan ko mag-endorse ng patients ko. At hindi rin ako makakasama sa "family's movie night" dahil duty ako sa Sunday. Hahaha... AGAIN, it's IM.
I have this patient.
The first time I introduced myself to him as the student-in-charge of his paperworks and other things, he didn't acknowledge my presence. Everyday that I would visit him, he would pretend to be asleep. Or sometimes he would really be asleep. He wouldn't move in his bed. He would refuse to sit up because of his bed sores. He would throw up his food.
Visiting him everyday and telling him to sit up, checking his lungs, asking him how he's doing eventually chipped off the iceberg.
Today, while I was extracting his blood, he asked me, "Bumbay ka ba?"
It was funny. I couldn't help but genuinely smile. I laughed and I explained to him that in all probability, although I didn't know of any ancestor who was of that descent, I probably had some mixed blood of sorts.
As I pressed his radial pulse, he told me he had no idea what he was going to do with his life. He had been in the hospital for two months, had become bedridden and ulcer-ridden. His house had been submerged during the Typhoon Ondoy. Even the wheel chair he had at home was rusty. His family lost more than a million pesos for his hospitalization. His wife had to quit her job. His daughter had to ask his former employer if she could ask for financial assistance for her education. His life had changed.
Just because of a simple carbuncle.
I don't usually attach myself more than the usual to my patients. I guess watching my dad do it--the profession--has given me tips on transference. There remains a certain distance.
Today, I couldn't care less for the boundaries. I listened to his stories, held his hand, and let him cry it out.
I wish for him to go home.
I wish for all my patients to go home.
There are still some things to do before I can ensure that he goes home without having the need to be readmitted again soon. I told him, we were going to do our part as his doctors. He would have to sit up and exercise more everyday. Do his part. Find his inner spark to help himself go home.
I realize today... I couldn't be happier to see someone sit up and eat.
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| hinaing ng triage |
[Sep. 17th, 2009|04:42 am] |
The answer to all your health ailments does not come in a snap. Sabi nga ni Trick, dapat mag-PHL somewhere ('di pa namin alam kung saan dapat) tungkol sa pagdadala ng pasyente sa emergency room. Ang dalas na sagot ng mga tao kapag tinanong kung ano ang dinadaing nila, "Emergency po kasi ako e."
Kanina, may bantay ng pasyenteng sinisigawan ako. Nakakairita. Ganon pala talaga kapag nakaupo ka sa triage. Pinapaliwanag ko lang naman sila kung bakit baka hindi sila tanggapin. After all, nag-abscond sila. At ngayon bumabalik sila na may nararamdaman na iyong pasyente.
What do you learn in ICC year? You learn patient care.
What do you learn in clerkship? Sometimes, patients are not friends.
Ayon. Hahaha... Pero tulad nga ng isang intern kong may malambot ang puso, araw-araw, kailangan mong paalalahanan ang sarili mong magkaroon ng EMPATHY.
Naiintindihan ko namang lahat sila iniisip na kailangan na nilang matingnan ngayon na. Iyon nga lang, hindi naman talaga lahat puwedeng tanggapin na lang. Sabi nga, everyday in the ER is a crisis waiting to be a disaster. A forty-two bed capacity admitting a hundred patients a day. Wow, do the math.
For me, the patients should also do their part. Iyong iba, ayaw lang daw kasi magpabalik-balik. Sa OPD daw kasi ang daming follow-up check-up. Eh ganon nga e, kailangan may patient-doctor relationship. Hindi naman puwedeng operahan ka lang tas kapag naisipan mong umuwi ka na, uuwi ka na kahit hindi pa sinasabihan ng seruhano mong puwede ka nang umuwi. Ayan, namimilipit tuloy sa sakit.
Hayyy...
In the end, even when you get the butt-crack of shouting family members, you can't really blame them. Kasalanan ba nilang mahirap sila? Kasalanan ba nilang hindi sila nagkaintindihan nung doktor? Kasalanan ba nilang lahat ng nalalaman nila tungkol sa kalusugan ay iyong mga napapanood nila sa telenovela?
The Philippine health care system sucks. Especially that of Central Luzon. Lahat na lang kahit iyong mga simpleng appendicitis, kahit galing sa malapit na ospital, pinapadala sa PGH. Bakit 'di mag-aral ang mga doktor para magawa nila iyong mga kaso nila? Bakit walang budget ang mga ospital para magkaroon ng ultrasound? Sabi nga ni Dr. Convocar, what she saw in Visayas and Mindanao was more awe-inspiring. Hindi na nirerefer ng mga doktor sa Manila iyong mga pasyente kasi naghahanap sila ng paraan kung paano nila mamamanage iyong mga kaya naman nilang imanage.
Work from within.
Because as far as the Philippine government is concerned, all the congress people do is dole out P1500 (which covers only one OR slot or a few laboratory exams) to their constituents. Bigyan niyo kaya ng mas malaking budget ang PGH. Baka hindi maubusan ng reagent para sa CBC. Baka hindi mawalan ng aircon sa Radio at masira ang pang-chest x-ray.
At habang andito na lang din ako, bigyan niyo na lang din ng mas malaking budget ang Primary Health Care. Para hindi kasing laki ng buko ang mga bukol ng tao bago nagpapatingin. Para hindi nila nalalamang high blood pala sila nung hindi nila nagagalaw iyong kalahati ng katawan nila. Para iyong mga nagdadiarrhea 'di na kailanganing dalhin sa ER at makapaghydrite na sa bahay.
Para mas marami namang alam ang Pilipino tungkol sa kalusugan nila. Iyong hindi lang galing sa mga telenovela nila--na lahat minamadali, na lahat inaadmit, na lahat agaw-buhay.
Puwede naman kasing maagapan e. Kung matuturuan lang.
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| webcam dates on weekends |
[Sep. 4th, 2009|11:33 am] |
After three years and two months in a long-distance relationship, it slowly sinks in. Mahirap pala talagang maging nasa long-distance relationship. You get bouts of loneliness. Bouts of temptation and attractions. Bouts of irreversible, deep-seated feelings of missing.
Iyon pala iyong sinasabi nilang mahirap. Haha... Finally, I can relate.
I wish for the day when I can be with Franco every day. Dati, okay na sa akin iyong linggu-linggo lang nagkikita. Pero hindi, sa lahat ng panahong "nawala" na sa amin, ayoko na ng ganon. Gusto ko araw-araw na.
Inaasar ko nga siya e. Sabi ko sa kanya, forever kaming whirlwind romance. Parang walang sense of normalcy. Totoo naman. Once a year, we get to date. Once a year, we say "see ya again soon." It adds that craving for more of everything. Like you want to do everything at once because it's the only time you are able to do it. Kaya nga kapag nagkikita kami, napapagod kami pareho. Come to think of it, just three months ago, we were running 300 miles per weekend. Haha...
Rom was relaying her "guy dream list" in the callroom earlier tonight. Sabi niya, "Gusto raw niya ng... (include criteria haha hindi ko alam kung puwedeng sabihin)." Sabi ko, "Gusto ko si Franco." Hahaha...
Kasi kahit minsan malungkot na mag-isa pala ako dito sa panig ko 'to ng mundo, kaya pa rin niya ko pangitiin with minimal effort. Today, he sent me an e-mail. He rarely writes. And I never expect him to write anything for me. Kaya it was a pleasant surprise...
Wala pang sampung pangungusap, napangiti na niya ako. That's why I know, how I know, this is it. Long-distance relationships might be hard. But I'm just a sucker for this guy. Haha...
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| Time to retract, time to pray. |
[Aug. 23rd, 2009|09:01 pm] |
Post-duty: My hair's still wet from the shower that scrubbed off the grime and scent of the ER. I'm waiting for the plumber to go and fix the sink. I'm battling my heavy eyebags in their pursuit for the territory of my face. I'm physically ready to collapse into my bed anytime now. And I'm happy.
Sabi ko nga kay Trick, maganda nga sigurong magsimba bago magduty. :D Hehehe...
It has been a while since I've listened to a decent homily.
And this was far from being simply decent. It moved me to tears.
Hahahaha... I've been teetering on the edge of emotional icebergs these past few hours. It's not a single thing but a conglomeration of events.
And then I heard his story.
I don't think I can patch the story up into something decent while I'm crossing the barrier to the perception of extra-realism here. And so I leave it to another day. Maybe at this point, never. I know though that that feeling is left in my heart.
It's simply this: We are never alone when we are with God. Whatever happens, whether it is the most unfortunate of events, it will never seem too big to handle. In contrast to taking up the burden by yourself, however small your problem is, you carry it alone.
The physical limits of lack of sleep, of retractions that are beyond the capacity of my meager muscles, of clerical work never seem too daunting. Because I'm never alone.
I leave it up to God.
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| i have always loved yellow. |
[Aug. 4th, 2009|05:43 am] |
Since Saturday, I've been crying. On the way to Batangas, on the bus, watching images of EDSA Revolution, the old pictures of Ninoy and Cory's wedding, I couldn't help the tears from sliding down. Nakakahiya kay Louisa dahil siya katabi ko pero... ganon lang talaga e.
I always feel a bit hesitant to read the newspaper, especially when the last weeks of February roll in and there are analyses and stories of People Power. Mukha kasi akong tanga. Pagkatapos ng mga kuwento ng mga pagkaing pinamimigay ng libre, pagkatapos ng mga kuwento ng mga rosaryo't tangke, lumuluha talaga ako.
I feel a great connection to that event in our young country's life. Never mind that I was only four months old at that time... I sometimes kid that I could have been a reincarnated martial law victim for all the emotions that the event draws out in me.
Last night, I was mad at Franco. He was commenting something that he didn't like about the Aquino administration.
Mind you, I'm not particular fond of this form of "democracy" or all the policies and events during Cory's time. But his dismissive comment ignited the RAWR in me.
Thing is, in spite of everything I disagree on with that part of our history, it cannot be dismissed that IT WAS A GREAT BOOKMARK IN OUR HISTORY.
Cory was not simply the loving housewife, mother, friend and President. She was the symbol of the Filipino people's unity. She was the mark of unselfishness of every Filipino who risked his and her life at the time when they were faced with snipers and tanks.
They all wanted to protect their rights. They wanted to protect her because she was the symbol of change. They went to Camp Crame and heeded the call of Cardinal Sin so that Enrile and Ramos wouldn't be gunned down. They had all defected against the dictatorship and they lay their lives--THEIR CIVILIAN LIVES--to protect not only those living at that time but the Filipino children's future.
My future. Our future.
So we could watch cable, have internet, discuss and debate, go out at night, join organizations.
Cory, for me, is the face of every Filipino at that time.
She is not dead, I believe. She may have passed on to a new life but I'm willing to bet that there are more Cories in this land that we have yet to discover.
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| my biggest regret |
[Jul. 22nd, 2009|06:15 am] |
Waaaah! 'Di ko nakita iyong solar eclipse. Halos mabulag na kami ni Eds kakatingin sa araw tapos sinita pa kami ng guwardiya. Bakit daw kami nagpipicture sa Heart Center? Hahaha, sabi ko, "Kuya, nakita mo ba iyong solar eclipse?" Siyempre, napakamot na lang din siya ng ulo. "Ahh hindi."
Hahahaha... 2132 pa raw bago mauulit iyong ganon katagal na solar eclipse. Deads na tayong lahat non.
Lesson learned: Always bring shades.
Kung 'di ka man matulungang makita hinahanap mo, you look good anyway. Hahaha...
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| kaya pumapangit e |
[Jul. 7th, 2009|07:30 am] |
"Ma'am, andito po ba si Dr. ___________?"
"Mukhang andito ba ang mga fellows?"
I don't know how often I've heard snide remarks or answers in the past month as a clerk, especially when the comment's made to a patient's or a bantay's innocent question. It's the first time I've had someone act that rude towards me. I guess it's because I've been born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Or maybe it's just because I'm wearing the all-white uniform. Generally, nurses, residents, interns, and co-clerks take the time to explain things, knowing well enough that you're not equipped just yet with the omnipotence required to run things in PGH.
I was surprised with her answer. I guess I was expecting just a yes or a no.
Naisip ko na lang, hindi naman ako iyong nagsayang ng oras para magtaray. Really, what do you get out of it? You lose several seconds of your time intentionally answering tangentially. You add several lines of wrinkles on your face with the sneer. You taint your day's mood with misdirected exasperation and compounding thoughts that the world's incompetent.
Naisip ko tuloy iyong lahat ng mga bantay at pasyenteng nagtatanong sa akin. Kahit naman feeling ko haggard na ako at nagmamadali, sinasagot ko pa rin naman iyong mga tanong nila. At kapag hindi na talaga kaya, sinasabihan ko naman silang, "Sandali lang." At kapag wala na akong ginagawa, binabalikan ko na rin naman sila kung andoon pa sila.
Para saan pa iyong magagalit ka na hindi nila alam iyong mga bagay na alam mo? Eh kung tutuusin, may isang panahon, hindi mo rin naman alam iyong mga sagot doon sa alam mo na ngayon.
Kung wala kang masasabing maganda, 'wag ka na lang magsalita. Baka gumanda ka pa.
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| tawag ng call room |
[Jun. 30th, 2009|08:39 am] |
Tracing paper. Alikabok. Nakatumbang Nescafe can. Coke litrong may tira. Gamit na mask. Gamit na cap. Ipis. Tirang slurpee. Sapatos. Tsinelas. Crocs. Specimen. Sign na "DO NOT TOUCH". Sphyg. Steth. Papel na may nakasulat. Flat tops wrapper.
Parang ang sarap maglinis ng sahig. Pero naisip ko, baka may magalit. Haha, may matapon kang hindi pala dapat itapon. Kaya siguro makalat doon. Hindi na alam ng mga tao kung ano iyong kanila at hindi na rin nila pinapakialaman iyong naiisip nilang hindi sa kanila.
Hindi rin tumatakbo OC powers ko kapag walang tulog.
(MASAYA OB. :) Happy! Tamad na kong magkuwento kasi gusto ko na lang matulog. Next time na. Gusto ko pa ng maraming pasyente. Iyon nga lang, naturally benign. Haha...)
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| Where? |
[May. 25th, 2009|10:57 pm] |
So... I haven't written for a month. That's quite a while. Haha...
In spirit of my procrastinating nature (ahem! it's still technically my summer break), I postpone writing my reaction paper for my elective and sit in front of the computer uploading pictures from Las Vegas, San Francisco, and whatever has been in between.
Going to San Francisco, in cloudy 10-16 deg Celsius weather, made me realize how much I love wearing coats. LAYERS, LAYERS, LAYERS. Since Franco and I have been considering where to settle for a tad while, my mad love for jackets has made San Francisco a top-notcher. Bahala na si Batman pero gusto ko doon. Haha... Hindi ko kasi maintindihan kung bakit ang sakit sa balat ng araw ng LA. [Pei, if you're reading this, direct translation: "I don't know why the sun in LA hurts my skin so much."] Franco's explanation is that it's a bowl of desert really and deserts are just bound to expand. Rains come once or twice a year? Whaat? I'm from a tropical country! I'm used to having it 3-4 days a week. Haha...
A lot of my friends also live in the area. Sobrang saya ko nung makita ko si Noelle (after three years), Kat (after five years), and Chichi (after six years). :D And my relatives -- even when I met them for the first time (or at least the first time that's memorable enough for me) -- they were so warm. Haha, my Lola Flor even gave me a bag and money. I felt like it was Christmas in the middle of my summer. :p
I was asking Franco when we pulled into his parking slot in their apartment, "Which vacation do you like better? Las Vegas or San Francisco?"
"Definitely San Francisco."
AGREE. AGREE.
Las Vegas almost feels like another subreality. The way that hotels are constructed and the suburbs are laid out... You feel that someday it's just going to run out of fuel. Or rather, water. Haha, which is absolutely more essential.
There's a charm to San Francisco. Although in the long run I think the weather's going to be a tad too dreary for me. One of the "small towns" in its outskirts where we had dinner was Alameda. The houses were intricate with leaf and flower patterns. They were painted with yellow, pink, blue, green which would have been okay if it were found in different houses. They weren't. Franco says it's to make all those people feel a bit better because the sky's always gray.
In the end, I believe, there's no place like home. Yeah, I know I'm having fun seeing the world and how people live their lives. From the middle-of-farmland houses with satellite dishes on Interstate 5 to the dorms of Mission Bay in San Francisco, I've glimpsed other person's realities. But I know as I move in and out, this is MY VACATION. And then there's MY LIFE.
In a week's time, I'm going to fly back. Right into the arms of my clerkship orientation, classes, and duties. Hahaha... I CAN'T WAIT. :)
Just going to miss Kix. Huhu... Another year. :)
I swear, this heart's a confused honey. It's happy in two places. I know it's supposed to be monogamous but it just can't be helped. Magkakaoras din ako. Hahaha... :D
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| californian list |
[Apr. 21st, 2009|03:12 pm] |
It has almost been a week since I got here. Let me just make a list of the memorable things because Franco and I need to run out later and study at his Starbucks so we can catch up on some reading.
1. Mr. Sales was the Fil-Am customs officer who interviewed me when I got to the Tom Bradley (LAX) International Airport. He asked the typical questions, 'what are you doing here--business or pleasure? why take your elective here? why don't you want to become a surgeon?' When I said that I didn't want to be a surgeon, he asked, "Isn't that the best-paying?" I quipped, "It's not all about the money." After interviewing me , he said, "There should be more of you." Hahaha, that was a winner.
2. DRIVING DIFFERENCES: Traffic here consists of five cars in front of you. It's swerving when you change lanes and your wheels aren't parallel to the lines of the road. The carpool lane, the fast lane of the freeway, requires having at least two passengers--the five lanes left are full of cars with one person (parang toothbrush ang kotse dito, people don't share haha). Taxis are a rarity on the road and different sizes and colors are the rule. Signs are everywhere. EVERYWHEEEERE. When the road says STOP, people stop. Like Subic, first to stop, first to go.
Really, I get frustrated with the driving rules here. How I wish Franco would just cut the guy in front or switch lanes when the one he's in is full... but yeah, those are the rules. Mweh mweh.
3. I've only seen about 2 people who are as thin as me. Whatever they put in Hollywood movies, that was way filtered. When I pay for my food in the cafeteria, people check out what I'm eating. Half a sandwich and nachos are good enough for me. When they said they had large servings here, they really meant they had LAAARGE servings here.
4. Hugh Jackman was two blocks away from me today for the premiere promotion of Wolverine.
5. I haven't seen a movie star yet.
6. My brain is bilingual. It's easier to watch people speak than interact with them. And I have a more difficult time conversing with Filipinos than other races because I feel my on-switch for Taglish being turned on.
7. From shopping malls, the cheaper things here compared to the Philippines are electronic gadgets, their accessories, and socks. I bought the socks. Haha...
8. I'm bombarded by the diagnostic tests being ordered here. I can hardly keep track of all the genetic diseases back home but... wow, genes genes genes. I'm surprised that the fellow I was talking to earlier has only seen one case of Down's syndrome. Mmm... I've seen about 3 at the Pediatrics clinic in one month of rotation. I have a feeling that in the long run, the training here's going to be of little use to me. I'm not closing doors though. Keep on observing.
9. On my first day at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, I was toured by the department chair, who also happened to be the author of the prescribed reading material. In two days, I met two other authors of "institutional books" in the field of Genetics. One fellow told me, "Aren't you starstruck?" Hahaha... I want to get a copy of one book and have it signed. SOUVENIR! Hahaha..
10. I don't feel like I'm out of the Philippines, in spite of my chafing skin, the fluctuating weather of 30 degrees Fahrenheit, the different races I meet everyday, the lack of high rise buildings, and the new restaurants on the block. Why? Because even when you're walking down Manhattan Beach, you hear people speaking in Filipino at the corners. Because Arko's deli for Filipino food provides damn good pork sinigang. Because there's Tito Nilo, Tita Candy, Kuya John, Kuya Mikey, Martha, Marley, Tita Thelma, Tito Paquito, and Anton who make me feel right at home. There's Franco who does nothing different from what he has been doing. And doing a great job at it. :D
Whoohooo! Summer fun. :D |
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| to my friends. :) |
[Apr. 9th, 2009|02:07 pm] |
I was putting some tags on my photos in Multiply the other day. I realized then how much time I've spent with different friends. I even have an album entitled Friends of Summer o8. This time around though, I won't be able to see some of them.
In less than a week, I'm going to be leaving for the States. It's my first time to go on a long trip on my own. I'm not all that gaga over California. It's not on my top ten list of must-see things before I die but since Franco's there, haha... Sige na ngaaa. :p
After extensive shopping for the past two days (let's not think how much I spent lalalalala), my things-to-pack are almost complete.
Ang kalaban ko na lang ngayon ay itong congested nose ko. At pimples! Goodness gracious, bakit ba sa lahat ng panahon, ngayon pa? Isang beses na ngalang magdadate sa isang taon. Hahaha... (I stopped taking the OCPs for this trip--the irony haha--but I don't want to risk DVT with long flights lalo na I've been having calf pains a few weeks ago. So ayon, alam ko naman kung bakit talaga ako nagiging comedone-full. Hormones, hormones.)
Nakakatuwa... Kahit naisip kong ang dami kong hindi makikita this summer, marami rin akong "chance" meetings. Hehe, like Frances. Dumaan siya kanina sa bahay dahil nagbibisita Iglesia sila. :) Tapos may bitbit-bitbit siya. Birthday gift ko. HAHAHAHAHA... At ung letter sa loob, nakasulat, "Ang birthday gift mo parang vaccine, better late than early." Hahahaha... :D Ang sweet! At least ang October birthday ko this year April sa kanya at hindi na July. :D Hahaha...
Ayon. So I guess I have Multiply to keep me updated with the gimiks. :) Haha, I'm still adamant on not joining the Facebook network. Sasabog lang talaga ang aking ka-addictan at ang format non. :) Although dahil nagFacebook si Jac, napaisip talaga ako ng matindi. NAKS. Hahahaha...
See you soon guys! *mwah* Kahit magiging "super happy dater" ako this summer, haha, I'm going to miss you. :)
Shet, hindi ako nakapagbeach sa Pinas. Corny! Pasalabuong, palawaners! Masaya na ako sa pics na nakakalaway. :)
The best pa rin ang Pilipinas. :D
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| breather |
[Apr. 2nd, 2009|09:09 am] |
According to my LJ, it has been three weeks since I last posted anything. I didn't realize that it has been that long. I was actually surprised when one of my classmates asked me, "O bakit hindi ka na nagsusulat?" Haha, medyo naflatter ako at may nakapansin. :)
One of Franco's friends, Kelly, told him today, "Well, you look happier." Since I went home last night and the impending doom of the Grand OSCE was lifted off my shoulders, we were able to talk in the range of normalcy. Apparently, the lack of a decent conversation with me was affecting him. Nag-uusap lang kami kapag ginigising niya ako para magcram at kapag ginigising ko siya para pumasok sa school. Hehe, at kasalanan ko na rin--kapag nag-uusap kami at sasabihin niya sa akin, "Excited na ko." Sasabihin ko, "Huwag mo sasabihin iyan! Nappressure ako." Exams seemed more demanding of the moment than dating. Hopefully, the studying paid off and nothing's going to get back at me (*cross my fingers for the lack of remedials*).
The last few weeks were marked with reading, reading, reading, practicing, practicing, practicing. The other day, as I was breathing through my sympathetic system-driven morning, I looked out my window. There was a message in orange: "... NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD." Ang saya! Hahaha, nung nabasa ko iyon, go lang ng go. Kung hindi pa iyon message from God, ewan ko na kung ano pa.
Ayon. :) Masaya ICC year. Feeling mo sa isang linggo, parang iyon na iyong pinagdaanan mo ng isang buong taon. Haha, parang... "wow, ang dami ko pala dating inaral." O dapat naaral. Ang dami kong booboo sa OSCE, like ang DPT AY HINDI SUBCUTANEOUS! at mag-order ng lipid profile, FBS, etc. para sa health nung resident/actor ng Fam Med at ang hirap magsulat ng MSE habang nakikinig kay Dolores. But I hope all is good and well.
Wow, clerks na kami. Hahaha... *wait wait* COMPRE pa. :) |
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| community: sober love/sad relationship |
[Mar. 6th, 2009|12:38 pm] |
I see an emerging pattern regarding my elective choices: I have no logic behind them.
For my second year, I chose Patho: the Laboratory Tests. I thought, 'Uy! Wala akong alam diyan. Game.' For my third year, I chose Reproductive Health in the Community. I thought, 'Sabi mga 20 slots lang dito sa gusto ko, baka mapuno iyan. Dito na ko. Ibang setting at baka may research.' For next year, I chose Genetics. I thought, 'Wala iyan sa 'Pinas. Since lalabas na ako, sige, game.'
Hahaha... it's a sober time for me to write about the first five days of my elective alone in the community. The first two days, the department didn't really know what to do with me. The decision initially was to make me rotate with Block 1 for the first day since they're taking up their OB right now. The course coordinator had taken a leave in Australia for personal reasons I won't bother mentioning here. When they talked with one consultant though, I was finally assigned to one of the big bosses.
I was in my own class equipped with course objectives and mountains of enthusiasm. I went to the community when I had the go-signal. I created a situational analysis and reproductive health program proposal on the same night and presented it the next day. I revised the whole thing in my head according to the guidance of my consultant. I went to Pasay City Health Office to request data for my paper. I rode various jeeps and trains and walked in places I had no idea existed before. It was hot. I was sweaty. And I loved it.
Surprisingly, despite being the only student in the course, I'm never lonely. I love my barangay health workers [BHWs], especially Ate Raquel. Whenever I'm alone, people would text, inviting me to lunch or asking where I am or I'd bump into someone and just start chatting away. My friends would call me up when I'm in the weirdest places, such as a lunch-splurge at Coffee Bean or a brainstorming session in one of those splotch-seats in MOA. I'm thankful for these people. You know who you are.
Today, I gave a public health lecture at the health center. It was fun. I stayed up late last night preparing for it, drawing vaginas on cartolina, making my pamphlet, and preparing my "answer tokens" in the embodiment of loot bags. I woke up early this morning to have my materials printed and photocopied and spent more than P300 on simply that. Unfortunately, despite everything I've spent, toiled and prepared for, the consultant wasn't able to make it today. At least natuwa naman sa akin ung mga nanay na andoon. Iyon na lang iniisip ko.
A bit on the downside though... something made me think. It was the feeling of being judged as an outsider. Somehow, even though my heart had always been in the community, even when I had their best interests at heart, some people [again, let's not elaborate who] perceived me as someone's who's doing it simply for the completion of the course. There was this general skepticism regarding motivations. Because they viewed me as that, there was the way that they talked with me and treated me. 'Istorbo'. Iyon iyong saktong term na ginamit ni Melai na sapul na sapol.
Looking at those people, in that briefness, I'm scared of the cynicism. Haha, kasalanan na rin siguro ng mga estudyanteng nagpupunta sa mga community. Aminin na natin, mas marami namang ayaw kaysa sa gusto e.
Basta, I just don't want to be like them in the future. Even when it's stupid at times, let me hold on to the belief that there's something more to people.
On the bright side, I had fun talking with the mothers waiting for their children's turn for vaccination. There was this one woman, Mrs. S., who had lost her husband to chronic kidney disease, her only son to nasopharyngeal carcinoma, and still she was beyond "managing". She kept on smiling warmly at the world, helping out her neighbors when they had health problems themselves. There was Princess Sofia's mom who told me to visit her at Dunkin' Donuts so that we could continue our chat. She was unable to finish her college studies because she chose to be a better mom. She breastfed all her children until two years old and plans to do so with Princess. Her emphasis on the bonding made me smile. That was her priority.
One thing I learned from this walking to-and-fro Pasay/Manila is this: I don't want to be cooped up in the hospital. Not forever. The realness of the people cannot be replicated. I was telling Louisa the other day, maybe 10 or 20 years from now, since I don't plan on leaving Manila, I'd set up a clinic in one of those non-affluent communities. Two days a week or something. At ang singil mo bente ganyan. Ayoko ng dole-out at hindi rin natututo ang mga tao sa dole-out. Pero tama lang na magkaroon lahat ng pagkakataong makakita ng doktor. I heard one dermatologist was doing this. It was a nice model to support the lifestyles we're used to but also be of help.
Isa pang linggo sa Pasay. May mga nakakatakot. May nakakatawa. May nakakamiss. May nanlalambing.
However unpopular it is with the majority of the students, I love community. :)
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| Giddy Galore |
[Feb. 28th, 2009|06:24 pm] |
1. You Changed My Life. I can't objectively assess the movie because I was swooning from John Lloyd's smile half of the time. Shit! Ang guwapo niya kapag tumutungo siya tas tumitingin sa iyo. *siiiigh* Kinikilig pa rin ako. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Kaya naman lahat ng tao kinikilig, kahit hindi kagandahan si Sarah Geronimo, siya pa rin pinili ni John Lloyd. It gives us all hope. Hahaha... Pero kung ako nga si Matet, I'd be rolling my eyes and telling my friend she's an addict. Some sane people just become crazy when they get into relationships. Rayver Cruz, you have landed yourself in my awareness! Ang galing, wala man kayong dialogue ni Miggy, your eye communication said it all. Sapol!
Ang saya na kasama ko si Lyn, G, at Jo manood. Hindi man lang ako nagdala ng wallet. Hahahaha... Natuwa naman ako at maraming nasarapan doon sa niluto kong pasta. Sabi ni Lyn akala niya in theory lang ako marunong magluto. Hahahaha... In fairness!
2. Adam Lamberg. I don't care if you're gay, I love your bone structure! Hahaha, ang galing nung range ng boses niya. AND I LOVE THEATER. So whatever-dramatics. Hahaha...
3. Franco Tantoco. Hahahahahahaha... You're the best! John Lloyd, Adam Lamberg, Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, move over. YOU CHANGED MY LIFE. Hahahaha...
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| white chocholate dream |
[Feb. 23rd, 2009|12:46 am] |
More days than I'd care to admit and scrutinize, I had been feeling this restlessness packed with unbridled aggression. Luckily, the rage was directed to unknowing flying contraptions in Trick's game or some person I cursed within the confines of my brain. One particular day it was the weather gods for deterring my plans of physical activity. I felt the need to stretch beyond the normalcy of my life. Hit something. Preferably a tennis ball so it wouldn't have irreparable repercussions. I wanted to move my feet. Run. Ravage free. It made no sense since on the exterior, nothing had changed. I lived through the same med schedule, had dinner, watched American Idol, slept at 10, woke up at 6, did the routine over and over again. Vaguely, it was scratching at me. That monster that killed all the appetite to do the mundane things I had set out to do.
The closest thing I could term it was: dissatisfaction.
In school. In Astral. At home. It followed me everywhere.
Mind you, it's not that I'm unhappy. Haha, my life is an almost perfect "curriculum vitae", if something exists like that. Loving boyfriend. Check. Med school--the profession of my dreams. Check. Supportive family. Check. Friends. Check. Everything's in order. Tidy and nice.
That's scratching the surface. I still have unrequited dreams and hang-ups and all the things that adolescents go gaga over. But it's not even those things.
Talking with my sister today, we asked ourselves, "When was the last time we had a decent conversation?"
Time is a precious commodity, especially in med school. It's a rarity that people take the time to spill their brains. Or at least the contents that are interesting and non-academic.
Thinking about that, excluding Franco from the population, I think my answer to that question would have to be one of those lunches under the umbrella with Rom and Trick. Those conversations made sense. Haha, even when a lot of them started with the statement, "Did you know..."
So was this restlessness a product of loneliness? Surrounded by people, you, Nikki -- you were getting lonely?
Maybe a bit but not quite.
Today, when I started feeling that same pruritic vagueness, I asked myself, "What do you want?" I just wanted to get out of the house. Out of my routine. See something different. On a whim, I splashed cold water over my drowsy body and went out of the house in a yellow dress. To where? To a place I could, and I would, call home.
Driving back to Diliman was a thrill. The roads were clear. I stopped at the familiar stoplight. Zigzagged the cars in Circle. Glided through Commonwealth. And I was almost giddy giggling when I reached my destination.
What a high. To be behind the wheel and bring myself wherever I desire. To talk with a barista and remember Franco's stories regarding his customers. Serendipitously, to see Xiao, my high school friend who ate my beefsteak lunch. To watch her with Joshua, her boyfriend, take pictures of this debutante-to-be. To be a different person in a different place.
I love reinvention.
*** white chocolate dream: a drink. espresso-based. i don't drink coffee but what the hell. haha |
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| stop this dysthymic/indecisive/fearful-crap |
[Feb. 7th, 2009|11:22 am] |
I've booked my flight. There. Haha, it's somewhat final.
It resolves one thing: I am going to flourish on the last week of March and the first few days of April (a.k.a. ipapasa ko lahat ng exams ng linggong iyon).
Last night, during dinner, I told my mom, "I have a fear." And the doubts of passing the Compre flowed from my mind. Eh anong magagawa ko? Realistic naman ako 'di ba? Last comprehensive exam, the highest in our class got 90s something. And that was what? 200 items. Wow chong. Ang galing ng retention naming lahat! (Huwag na lang nating aminin kung ilan ang nakuha ko non. HAHA...)
Pero now, I'm standing by my decision. AYAN, IPAPASA KO LAHAT IYAN. Hahaha, at magdi-Disyneland ako.
Time to study. Kebs na sa mga nagsasabing hindi dapat nag-aaral ng ICC year. Nerd ako, paninindigan ko na iyon.
Oo nga, minsan hindi siya rewarding. Like ung Anest exam na 20 items na nag-aral ako ng drugs at inintindi iyong SIM. Eh ganon ang buhay e. Hindi naman nila madudukot iyong laman na ng utak ko. Pang-pharma exam na lang siguro iyon o compre o kung saan man siya magagamit. Boards HAHA... ang layo pa.
BASTA. I don't feel like wallowing in my nonreinforcement crappy feeling. Life is more than this. Grades. Boo. |
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| Managing my life. |
[Jan. 23rd, 2009|05:00 pm] |
Sabi ng LJ ko, it has been three weeks since I last posted anything. So what have I been doing for the past three weeks? Cake mania 3. Management. "Can You Keep a Secret?" by Sophie Kinsella. "Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell" by Sussana Clarke. Laney's birthday picnic at Sunken garden. And the normal things that come in between.
I admit, I thought Management was going to be a breeze. It worked its way to my expectation, having had three half-days and one day off in a five-week schedule. Next week, kami na bahala sa sched namin. What I did not expect was that it was going to make me think. And think with so much gusto my head was bound to ache.
"By 2015, what do you see yourself doing?" Yes, yes, we're all going to be overeducated, unemployed Filipino doctors after we graduate and take the boards but then what's after that?
I cling onto my guiding psychologist and say my mantra, "Live in the moment." Somehow some of the anxiety ebbs away. Eh ano ba kung hindi ko pa alam kung ano ang gusto kong gawin? Haha, I'm sure, marami rin namang iba hindi alam kung ano gusto nila.
Sabi ko nga sa Mama ko nung isang araw, "I believe I'm an artist." (Of course, I'd only tell this to my mom. And sige na nga, sa lahat nang makakabasa nito. HAHA, NO JUDGMENT.) It's not because I know some in drawing, in playing music, in singing, in-my-bedroom-alone dancing, in writing, in acting, in photography. I've considered that all; but what made me realize that I'm an artist is the mood swing. Haha, and the creative energy that comes after the passion/anger/angst, etc.
Anyway, sure ball pa rin naman gusto kong magdoktor e. Haha, pero I think I'm going to have something on the side if I want to be happy.
The other nagging thought was the negotiation of my being nationalistic. As I was telling Melai, five years ago, you would not hear a word from me desiring to go to the United States. Not to study. Not to work. Not even to see Disneyland. Forging in my brain since my grade school years in STC was that the Philippines was my home. Even when a lot of Filipinos have "colonial mentality" (Conrado de Quiros insists that the correct term's supposed to be "colonized mentality"), there is a way to be different, to think differently, and to dream including the nation.
That changed, painfully slowly, when Franco and I started getting serious. That was one of the things we'd fight over. In the end, as all arguments in relationships, it had to reach a compromise.
Five years after graduation. I'm willing to give it that. The rest of my life, I want it at HOME. Because this is where I feel I'm needed the most. And this is where I feel it's right to be.
When Dr. Cañal asked the question, "Who's going abroad?" I raised my hand. When she asked, "Who's going to be practicing in Manila?" I also raised my hand.
Haha, I still don't know what I'm going to do with my life. Three things are for sure though: (1) I want to become a doctor; (2) I want to give an outlet to my creative energies; and (3) I want to spend the rest of my life with Franco. I wouldn't change/compromise for anyone else. |
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| history repeats itself |
[Jan. 1st, 2009|08:45 pm] |
My throat's dry and itchy.
As I was sick last year, so am I now.
Haha, but I do notice the subtle differences. Such as the fact that the previous virus was much more severe--knocking me near-zombie for a day while this one has transformed into a bacterial variant of sorts. What this whole thing underscores is the fact that I never know when to stop. Hahaha... As long as I can keep on going, I keep on going. BUT I don't even party that hard. Or maybe that's my mind trying to rationalize things. Maybe I'm simply sickly and I should be resting adequate amounts for the rest of my life but I doubt that there's any chunk of truth in that.
The other day, before I went to Subic with my sisters and Franco (Ate La's boyfriend), I was complaining to Kix (let us call my Franco Kix for the benefit of lessening confusion) how I felt sick. On some hemisphere of my brain, I was wishing he'd stop me from going because I was already feeling the fatigue of the holidays. On the other brain though, I wanted to go and simply thinking out loud might have provided a reason why I must go to Subic considering all factors. After the quasi-argument with myself, he told me to sleep it off. The next day, when I was dressed and finished with packing, I got a hold of him on the phone. His greeting was, "So, what time are you leaving?" Hahaha... Kix amuses me that way. Even when he's the most geographically-distant emotionally-significant person in my life, he knows how to break the complex Nikki down into three little steps.
ONE. If I had all the energy in the world, I'd do everything I can.
TWO. If there's a photo opportunity, I'm sure going to be there.
THREE. My favorite people know they're my favorite people.
So I went to Subic all sniffly, stuffy, and itchy. The picture with the alpaca, the superman ride above the canopy of trees, and the stories of my sisters and Franco and the friends along the way made it all worth it.
They say that whatever you're doing at the beginning of the year you're going to end up doing that for the rest of the year. I don't know whether my throat's going to be itchy all throughout--I highly doubt that--but what I do know is this: 2009 is definitely going to be as fun as the years before.
Let me make a toast: to the recession and the credit crunch, may it bring out the best virtues in people; to the incoming clerkship year made up of duties and all-nighters, may it bring me and my classmates valuable lessons and closer friendships; to my family, may we flounder in another year of "announcements"; to my friends--the wormz, banga, my housemates, pasmados, amazings, and the unnamed ones, may we all find what we're looking for; to my beloved country, may 2oo9 serve as another year to spark change in where it is needed; and to my favorite person in the world, I'll see you soon.
HAPPY 2oo9 everyone! I pray for a healthy and happy year for all of you. :)
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| On Christmas day... |
[Dec. 25th, 2008|09:09 pm] |
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Gift-opening.
Webcam with Franco.
Rain.
Fireworks.
Sandwiches.
Children on the streets happily smiling.
Lola Nene and John Lloyd.
The smell of her living room.
Left-over munchies.
Mint Chocolate Bailey's after dinner.
Gift-wrapping.
Text greetings.
Naps.
Family.
Mass.
God.
Jesus.
LOVE. |
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| kissing sound in the isolation tank |
[Dec. 23rd, 2008|08:42 pm] |
So what have I been up to for the last couple of days of vacation? I've managed to fill my Multiply account with mounds of pictures. Haha, medyo marami akong napuntahan pero parang mas marami akong oras na nasa bahay lang, natutulog, naglalaro ng Fish Tycoon at Tap Defense, at nakikipagkuwentuhan kay Franco. :) Today I drove for 4 straight hours -- FOUR STRAIGHT HOURS WOOOW -- to get to his cousin's house and receive my Christmas gifts. Grabe, wrong move chong. Dapat 24 ako lumabas o 25. Hahaha...
Along the way though, crawling through EDSA, I realized that I was fine with it. Impatient little me was actually "okay" with it. Because of the simple fact that I'm half-crazy in love. I think that's the way things should really be. No matter how logical you are, you have to find that sliver of lunacy that will push you to do things out of your comfort zone and experience an altered appreciation of the world. Some call it passion. Others dub it drive. Mihalyi had the term floooow.
The other night, while I was at the UPMAS Ball, a friend from the lower batch approached me with what she dubbed a personal question, "Totoo ba iyong narinig ko na engaged ka na?" There was a sense of surprise with the thought of engagement at such a young age. "Unofficially but we're seriously committed." That was my stance.
Admittedly, I'm even more skeptical than a lot of my peers regarding relationships but shockingly, with this one, I have no doubts. Tanong nga ng ate ko, "Paano ka sure?" My answer was simple, "I enjoy being with him and we're not afraid to try new things so I have a good feeling it's not going to be a boring life."
I see myself growing with him. Not growing old. Not growing up. Simply growing.
And maybe that's why inspite of being in a long-distance relationship, we still share that fondness in our conversations--no matter how fantastic or hypothetical they seem.
Oh and it helps that our personalities just mesh. Hahaha... (oh, I just lost my trail of thought because I started selling my fish. Lalalala... Oh well.)
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL! Feeeel the love. :) |
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